


Even the Heart on His Sleeve is Pink

by kittenhyvnjin



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Crossdressing, Gender Dysphoria, Humiliation, Masturbation, Other, Trans Character, sex scene is short and unsexy, this ones kinda heavy ngl chief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:14:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26074741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittenhyvnjin/pseuds/kittenhyvnjin
Summary: Soobin crossdressing for a dare inadvertently marks the start of a gender identity crisis.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 21
Collections: TXT BONKFEST





	Even the Heart on His Sleeve is Pink

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from Elliot Lee's song, [Pink (Freak)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RSWAnzekUkQ&ab_channel=ElliotLee), which i think fits the vibe of this fic quite well, so listen along if you'd like!

Soobin stands before the large glass doors to a women’s boutique, staring into the store like a deer in headlights. He turns his head to face Yeonjun and Beomgyu behind him and pleads, “Do I really have to do this?” 

“A dare’s a dare,” Beomgyu snarks in reply, leaning against a pillar outside the store. 

Yeonjun pats Soobin on the shoulders from behind. “Just go in and buy a dress, say it’s for your girlfriend if you have to. No big deal, right?” 

“No big deal…” Soobin exhales, voice shaking, “No reason to be nervous, it’s just a dress,” he sighs out a laugh, though nothing’s funny. He shakes his arms to warm up, and reluctantly pushes open the gargantuan doors to enter the boutique. 

A sales associate greets him with the standard spiel, it’s in one ear and out the other, but he gives an awkward smile as to not be rude. His gaze darts frantically scanning the store to find the dresses. He spots a rack of mid-length dresses at the back of the small shop and makes a beeline for it, eyes glued to the hardwood floor. 

Soobin looks through the dresses in a tizzy, hands shaking. He shouldn’t feel like this, it’s just a dare; and it’s not like he’s embarrassed to be in a women’s store either, he’s not _that_ guy. Yet, his heart beats a million times a minute. He messily thumbs through the dresses on the rack, he picks out a pink plaid dress without even checking the size, let alone the price. He rushes through the check-out process, hiding his face, fumbling with his credit card. He mumbles out a ‘you too,’ to the cashier who wishes him a nice day and hurries back out those large glass doors.

Now Yeonjun and Beomgyu both lean against the column out front, they watch him carefully with raised eyebrows. Yeonjun straightens himself out and walks toward Soobin, patting him on the shoulder again. “Alright, manager’s waiting! Let’s go.” 

Soobin flinches away from him and ruffles his own hair. Not making eye contact, he says, “Right, let’s go!” A fake laugh desperate to be believed leaves his lips, “You guys have really got me good!” 

Yeonjun takes a step back, holding in a sigh. He heads toward the manager’s car in the parking lot and Beomgyu follows suit. “Yup. Let’s go.” 

Back at the dorm, Soobin is a sweaty, nervous pile of mess on the closet floor. The members have given him some privacy to change into the dress at least, although he still feels naked. Soobin’s legs are bare but for a pair of fluffy socks, he dons the frilly dress he had clumsily picked out at the store. He sits cross-legged on the hardwood floor, staring down at his own form, he trails his hands across his body. His flat chest doesn’t fill out the dress the way it should, his toned, hairy legs stick out like a sore thumb. He feels disgust, hatred, but not for the dress itself. It doesn’t feel right; his body, in the dress. He wishes it would all click into place, that he would either hate the dress or feel comfortable in it. None of this complex feelings business, no thanks. This was just supposed to be a silly dare. 

Speaking of, he has to get out there and show his members this side of himself. He’s taken long enough already, they’re gonna have questions he has no answers to. Soobin stands up, throws on a costume wig they had laying around, and looks at himself one last time in the mirror. He detangles the cheap wig the best he can with just his fingers. It’s the same color as his hair at the moment, with blunt bangs and tresses past his shoulders. He stares at himself as he mindlessly cards through the curls of the wig. He doesn’t look like himself anymore. It’s a sham of what he wishes he could have. He didn’t know what he wanted until he had this poor recreation of it in the flesh. 

A sudden knock on the door rings through his ears. “Are you ready to come out already?” Beomgyu’s muffled voice is loud and clear. 

Soobin snaps out of it and tears his gaze away from the mirror, looking toward the door to the living room. “Yeah, ju--just a second.” He kicks a dirty pair of socks into the closet as he makes his way out, hand hesitating on the doorknob. Before he knows it, he’s stumbling out into the room. Beomgyu and Yeonjun sit on the couch before him, their faces are cracking into tight smiles, stifling their laughter. Soobin’s whole body feels hot, this is a new type of shame he’s never felt before. He fiddles with the dress, pulling the skirt down, covering his chest, snapping the straps. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands; there’s no way to cover himself, no way to look casual. 

“You were in there a while,” Yeonjun snickers, “Like it a little too much?” He looks Soobin up and down, eyes lingering on his bare legs just too long for comfort. 

Soobin tenses up, he makes a concerted effort to roll his eyes. “I- I couldn’t fit in it!” He scoffs, trying to play it off but not even fooling himself. “And it’s embarrassing!”

Beomgyu laughs, pausing to stare at him for a moment. If looks could curbstomp you and spit in your face Soobin wouldn’t only have bruises on his ego. “That’s the point.”

He wants to sink inside of himself, crawl into his own skin like a hermit crab in its shell, never leave that warm prison he’d create for himself. But he cannot, for he is not a hermit crab, he is Soobin. The Soobin who stands before his friends in a short pink dress and wig. The Soobin who still hasn’t processed the identity crisis he had over wearing said dress and wig no less than 5 minutes ago. 

“Am I done now? Can I take all this off?” Soobin nervously twirls locks of the wig around his long fingers.

Yeonjun laughs, “The dare is done, but if you wanna keep it on we can’t stop you.” He raises his eyebrows, sliding his tongue over his teeth as he smirks in a way that makes Soobin feel greasy. 

Beomgyu nods sleepily and stands up to stretch. “I’m going to bed then. One of you will stay up to see Taehyun and Kai get back safe, right?” 

Yeonjun stretches himself over the couch in Beomgyu’s absence, he searches for the TV remote with his eyes shut. “Yeah, I’ll wait here.” 

“I’m… gonna head to bed too then,” Soobin says in a small voice, “I’ll uh, go take this off first.” Beomgyu exhales a tired laugh before turning on his heels, peace sign held up high, headed toward his bedroom. Soobin shoots a look to Yeonjun, who flips through TV channels with half-closed eyes. He retreats to his own room, shutting the door behind him. He wiggles himself out of the dress and hastily throws the wig on his bottom-bunk bed. His heart races as he stands in the middle of his room in just his underwear and socks, his skin itches where the fabric of the dress used to cling to his body. This isn’t the fault of a poor quality fabric, but of his mind hanging onto the shame and converting it to a tactile sensation. Like bugs crawling inside him, he gets goosebumps. Soobin hops in the shower before bed. He washes away his humiliation with scalding hot water, unable to look at his own body the same way he did before. 

Soobin wakes up naked under his sheets, the wig he had haphazardly thrown onto the bed has been pushed off onto the floor during the night. He stretches his leg to push it beneath the bed. As he becomes aware to his own body, his cock aches, memories of his dream last night lead his eyes to a wet spot on the blanket. Faint murmurs of the other members’ conversating over breakfast can be heard. He has time for himself, and he’ll need it. 

He grabs his phone from the side table and throws his blanket over his head so he’s fully enclosed in the impromptu jack-off fort. He opens up a porn site and freezes on the search bar, fingers unable to type what he’s so curious to see. He taps each letter of the word 'crossdressing' on his keyboard like they’re poisonous. He shuts his eyes as he presses the search button and opens them to see a buffet of videos before him. His heart races, he opens the first video with a thumbnail that caught his eye; a boy, just like him, he assumes, in a pink dress similar to his own. Soobin pops a headphone in his ear and presses play. The video shows the boy lifting up his dress to fuck into a clear fleshlight, high pitched moans spill out of his mouth and into Soobin’s ears. Soobin carefully touches his painfully hard cock, fingertips dancing across the sensitive tissue. He reflexively yelps and bites down hard on his lip to silence himself. He bucks into his hand at the same pace as the boy in the video, and as he comes to a climax so does Soobin. His eyes roll back, his whole body tenses up, he can’t bite his lip hard enough to effectively stop the desperate whimpers that escape him.

Soobin puts his phone down, pulls his one headphone out, and lays there in the darkness of his blanket. He focuses on his breathing as his mind comes back down from the clouds. A knot forms in his stomach. He shouldn’t have done that. Take it back, take it back. He doesn’t want to be a boy in a dress, and he can simply leave all of this at that. He’ll just be Soobin and pretend this never happened. 

He opens his eyes and stares at the pinholes of light that shine through his blanket. How can he be Soobin if he doesn’t know who ’Soobin‘ is? He doesn’t want to be a boy in a dress, but he doesn’t want to be a boy in skinny jeans either. This would all be easier if he were just a girl, then he wouldn’t have to think this way. If that were the case he wouldn't be suffocated by being the most repulsive thing a person can be, a man. All guys dread being guys, right?

He emerges from underneath the blanket he’s hid under all morning and rubs at his eyes as he adjusts to the light. He’s relieved to see he’s still alone in the room; the member’s chattering outside has been replaced by the muffled rumbling of the television speakers. He picks his phone back up and opens google. Soobin’s fingers hesitate on the keys yet again, “Is it normal for guys to want to be girls?” He’s confronted by dozens of results from forums and articles, none with the immediate, easy answers that he wanted. He wants someone to tell him who he is, to put it into definite plain words for him to absorb as an unchangeable fact.

A handful of words swim around Soobin’s head as he drags himself out of bed: 'transgender,’ ‘non-binary,’ ‘gender dysphoria.’ These terms float around his thoughts like a baby's mobile, repeating in his mind on loop like an inescapable earworm. His footsteps pad along the hardwood floor as he heads to his dresser, he trips on a discarded piece of clothing and looks to his feet to see the culprit; the dress. He huffs, squatting down to toss it under his bed along with the wig.

"Out of sight, out of mind," Soobin mutters to himself. Begging like a mantra, he repeats his words as he stands back up, "Out of sight, out of mind." 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> find me @mommyeong <3


End file.
